What do the lonely do for Valentine’s Day?

So today is Valentine’s Day and sometimes ,let’s face it, this day can truly suck.  Even if you  enjoy being single (sometimes I certainly do)  getting through today can be a drag.  The whole “friends with benefits” thing doesn’t quite seem so damn beneficial today. (Probably because so far I haven’t even got a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text, (really your lazy ass can’t send a text??))

You go into to work and have to smile as co-workers get gifts and partners show up to take them out to lunch and dinner.  You sit there wondering what does the fat, ugly, dumb girl have that I don’t?   Now you notice that her partner is a girl but who gives a whooooooo at least her GIRLFRIEND is taking her out…. But don’t despair (cause that just causes wrinkles etc. then you’ll be the ugly girl or guy)… I have some ideas:

  1. Treat your self great today!!! Wear the cutest, sharpest outfit you can think of!! Today is your day make it good;
  2. Eat whatever the hell you want!! I say do chocolate if it’s your thang. (I’m makeing a chocolate nutella tart)…get some lobster.  Carry- out (obviously eating alone  at a nice restaurant on valentine’s day would be crazy and more of a statement than enjoyable so get the carry-out) and eat on the good plates tonight.  Light a candle and enjoy!!
  3. Do something you love; write a blog, recite a poem, do some stand-up comedy;  I suggest something that allows you to express yourself and perhaps how silly you truly believe Valentine’s Day is (or at least how trifling the person you’re dealing with his for not getting you something); As for me I’m doing some stand-up tonight….
  4. Go to a anti-valentine’s day party.  If you can stomach other singles looking down and out, then  check out one of these functions.  At a minimum they have decent drink specials. (Guys there will undoubtedly be lots of horny women at these things so for you a no-brainer…. cheap drinks & an easy way to get laid= win, win)
  5. If you can’t stomach the anti-v-day party rent a good horror flick, thriller or if you must a comedy… nothing makes you forget valentine’s day like a good murder mystery, serial killer or the random violence of Freddy Krueger; As for me I’m doing a “Breaking Bad” marathon (I might throw in an episode or to of Snapped)
  6. Take your but to bed.  It’s only one day not a season (thank god).  Tomorrow will be Feb. 15th and you can go and get some “benefits” from your “friend”…. 😉

Lesson Learned: YOU’RE NOT LONELY, YOU’RE FABULOUS!!! LOVE YOURSELF DAMMIT!! (or eat, drink, & go to bed whichever works)

Are Men with Minatures Masculine?

I’ve grown up in the suburbs but since doing stand-up I’ve been exposed to men from all walks of life.  While I certainly find nice guys attractive guys that are to feminine can be a bit of a turn off.  Although I try to remain open-minded,  and not judge a book by its cover, sometimes it’s hard…. Sometimes as my mother says I can be as “shallow as a teaspoon”.  One of these inadvertent judgments often occurs when I find out what kind of pet a man owns… While I LOVE cats I have found that single men who live alone and have chosen to own a cat while not exactly feminine, they do tend to be a bit shall we say… “different”.

Lately though what I have found almost shocking is meeting guys you own miniature dogs… like Chihuahuas, Pomeranians or a pugs even.  I’ve actually seen men dressed like thugs walking these cute little creatures in what I would consider somewhat dicey neighborhoods.  While I certainly don’t want to take away from a man’s street credibility if you’re walking a full-grown adult dog (i.e. not a puppy, cause guys walking puppies are ALWAYS SEXY) that could fit in a purse, the implication is that you just forgot to carry your purse that day.  I’m trying hard not to be so shallow folks so please don’t unsubscribe….. But really, its hard not to talk shoes with man walking a Pomeranian…. I am working on it, but hey even if you’re wearing baggy jeans, cornrows, tattoos & chains….. all I see is this:

Now this seems like a match!!

Perhaps I just haven’t met the right go to prove this theory wrong?   Guess I need a man to show me the error in my discrimination? I’m certainly working hard to keep an open mind here but truthfully still seems a little suspect to me….

Lesson Learned:  Uh Yeah!! Size matters.

The Walk of Shame…. not always so bad…

So in an effort to get over the debacle of my relationship with “Crazy Bruce”.  I decided to have some fun this weekend. I mean truly what better way to get over a loser than sleeping with another loser? OK, OK, just a little joke here…. In all honesty, I didn’t think Crazy Bruce was really all that angry until he deleted & blocked me on Facebook, I mean DAMN, we can’t even be cyber friends?  So the past few days I’ve been feeling a little down & out but to shake the doldrums I decided to go out this weekend. 

So a friend of mine was in town and invited me out to a comedy show.  The show was OK but it was nice to get my laugh on. What happened next was a bit unexpected, the bartender asked me out!  I was a bit nervous, because he wasn’t black (mexican actually) but on a whim I decided to try it.  I had a blast!! It was really nice to be out with someone who held the door, paid for drinks & called me beautiful!! Now that’s how you get out of the doldrums! So of course all this positivity had me in the mood for a little action so I ended the evening with an old friend (male in case you were wondering) who was in town for the weekend.  So the next morning, we both slept late so we ended up leaving the hotel at the same time…. This was actually kind of nice.  I usually dread that morning walk back to my car, wearing the clothes from the previous night….The walk of shame can be SOOOOOO LONG! This time  though it was different, leaving at the same time made it seem more like a couple checking-out as opposed to a “hoe” slinking out in the morning! Gotta admit it was pretty nice, we hugged and he went to his car & I went to mine.  I know I shouldn’t care what random people at a hotel or on the street think of my rumpled clothing and hair, but hey it still makes me feel weird, and that feeling sticks until I drive away and can kind of add a bad color to the entire experience. Yuck!! Didn’t know that something so small as walking with a friend could make the difference.

Did I mention the hotel was in Paris? Just kidding.... it was South Holland, but you get the point... LOL

Lesson learned: Don’t take that walk of shame alone!! It’s  always better with a friend…. 😉

Incoming text from…… Crazy Bruce

OMG….I had a committed a  major cell phone faux pas which cost me my last boyfriend…well my last fuckbuddy…I  was “seeing”/”dating”  ok sleeping with a guy named Bruce.  I actually really liked this knucklehead. However he had the irritating habit that some men have of going completely crazy usually about once a month.  This insanity would only last a day or two but it was pretty bad he would snap off over minutia.  I would usually get upset and delete him from my cell phone only to add him back the next day.   Unfortunately I have the bad habit of giving people descriptive names in my cell  phone and logically he got the name “Crazy Bruce”.  The bad part is that I’m also lazy I made that change several months ago and simply forgot to change it back.  He spent the night the other day and reached for my phone to find out the time, before I could stop him.  At the bottom of my screen had my last incoming text message which was from him “Crazy Bruce”.  Wow was he mad, I was almost flattered that he cared that much (clearly my name must be crazy Amber in someone’s phone) but I really didn’t have any rational excuse and although I apologized this seems to have changed everything.  It really saddens me but I have certainly learned my lesson!!   Always have your cell phone locked!! I mean really what if “Little Dick Larry” or “To quick Trevor” had grabbed it…how embarassing!!

Panther or Pedophile?

I am someone who has since high school thought that age is nothing but a number. Yes I am still a fan of Aaliyah (RIP)….So I have dated both younger, same age and older guys…and sadly have found some idiots in all areas so I pass no judgments and make every effort to carry no baggage…But I had a weird experience the other day which challenged my entire outlook.  I gave a ride to a FINE 19-year-old college football player and of course I thought….Could you do this?  I mean upon ID verification there would be no jail time (at least in the State of Illinois) and he was amazingly attractive with a tattoo to add that bad boy edge.  Then he started talking….wow… what a downer.  I’m not sure if it was the discussion about prom or his Mom but all my dirty thoughts died  a pretty quick and yes painful death.  I tried to focus on is face and body and imagine his words as the “wah, wah, wah” of peanuts Charlie Brown fame. But it wasn’t working!! I could still hear him and process what he was saying!! I thought perhaps if he never spoke we could have a purely sexual relationship… But the idea of duct tape across his mouth during sex seemed to be a bit further than even my fantasies will go.  I thought after a few drinks maybe this diatribe about lockers & school books would become funny if not interesting…. but wait, he is too young to drink, so I would be in the bar alone while he waited in MY car.   Uh no that’s not an option kids these days steal entirely too much…. So at last I dropped him off at his Mom’s…. a little disappointed that I wasn’t about to have my youngest fling ever…Perhaps he’ll be a bit more interesting at 21? (well at least we can share a drink)…

Whew!! This Panther (single black female interested in dating/sexing younger guys) is back on the prowl….no criminal charges for me!!

Which one are you???

How 2 get over the break up of an non-relationship…

First I will answer the underlying question what is a “non-relationship”… Well I would call it an extended one night-stand… a booty-call that persists over months or years.  However, you look at it a casual albeit sexual relationship is what I would call a “non-relationship”.

Sooner or later all “non-relationships” come to an end.   Often it may take at least one of the parties a while to realize it has ended. Since this is a “non-relationship” there is no requirement of a note or the typical “break-up” conversation.  Often times one party simply stops returning the calls and/or texts of the other party.  Suddenly the other party realizes “damn, I’ve been dumped” which as a dumpee (yes even I have been dumped, shocking I know) is never fun.  While there are a plethora of books on the break-up of relationships  I have been hard pressed to find much out there on the break-up of “non-relationships”.  I mean come on, how do you get over a late night booty-call that has gone on for years???? There must be something?? Do they think just because there is no “official” relationship that no feelings are involved? Soooooo not true, relationship or not u may miss them when they’re gone so I have some suggestions (things I’ve heard ;-))

  1. Stop all contact once you finally realize you have been dumped…no since in giving that idiot ammunition to drink and laugh at with his/her friends;
  2. Self Improvement – Living well is the best revenge, and also a lot of fun so go for it after being “dissed”; Buy something new, Wear something new, hell become someone new but “Just Do It” and of course take every opportunity to flaunt it in the dumper’s face…
  3. Find someone new…now of course this person is the rebound person so don’t take it tooooo seriously because after a few weeks you may feel TOTALLY differently; but nothing really helps you get over a booty-call than… guess what? A brand spanking new, smarter, richer and of course more attractive, even better booty call!! If you find your true everlasting love that would absolutely destroy your non-relationship partner so go for that as well!!
  4. Shower repeat steps 1,2, & 3 !! Now in the rare instance when as the dumpee you may be filled with not only sadness and loneliness but also anger I have one more suggestion that I caution you to take therapy before,during and after if you decide to do it….  If you feel the dumping was inappropriately handled, and as the dumpee you were not  given the adequate respect a booty-call is due well… (I don’t encourage, recommend or take any liability for the following idea)
  • Violence to property (specifically a car, motorcycle, or boat) Now I AM NOT ENCOURAGING VANDALISM… However, a slashed tire, keyed car or the old sugar in the gas tank can do wonders for getting over how you’ve been wronged although the time in jail contemplating a “non-relationship” is never pleasant…. and if you happen to hook-up with someone who does not have a car (as I unfortunately did at one point) again see ITEM NO.  3  U CAN DO BETTER!! REALLY!! 🙂

xoxoxoxoxo

 

Vacation Flings….Fun or Fake?

Sooooo, first I will apologize for not posting at all for the month of July or August….Not quite sure where the time went.  Karma and I promised fun, excitement, thrills and we will deliver it to our readers and ourselves!!! RIGHT KARMA?????  Fall is now upon us…gotta get the love train running before it gets to cold for fun (never:-) .  It would be nice to have some winter romance in front of the fire-place this year, so to step it up a notch I’ve gotten on Match.com gonna put internet dating to the test…

To jump-start the excitement, Karma and I went on a road trip.  This was a mini-vacation to celebrate my birthday.  I’m part West Indian (my father’s from Antigua) so we decided to take a road trip to Caribana which is held ever year in Toronto, Canada.  It’s usually the last weekend in July, its parties, a parade with bright costumes and amazing Reggae and Soca music.  WE HAD A BLAST!!!

Now no vacation is complete without a some romance right? So Karma and I got our flirt on…The question is how far should you go when having vacation fun? Does it simply end once you head home? I met 2 really interesting men…both pretty good-looking.  I was to much of a nerd, or punk, or well just plain nervous to “seal the deal” so to speak with either guy.  The irony is that one guy was from the midwest, super nice and SEEMED to really like me we exchanged numbers, I sent a text a few times but heard nothing…. The other guy was sexy, Jamaican, and wouldn’t even give me his last name…he’s the one that keeps in touch.   Sooooo, do you live in the moment have the most fun you can and just let it drop?  I’m not really sure, in the end I was grateful I didn’t let things go further but sometimes I wonder…Nothing ventured nothing gained?

Comment to My Girl (Speed dating post) (via karmasummer)

Noregretsnoexcuses I can feel you on the crazy question part of the speed date… but honestly, you can get a lot of information just from the crazy question responses..lol. I’m sure they were just tying to keep it light, break the ice and have fun. Sounds like you had a ball!  I think I’ll try that next time- keep me posted. In the meantime, I dealing with the dating sites for all the “so called” single people. I think that some people are confu … Read More

via karmasummer

What are the Rules of the Game?

Sometimes I feel like dating is a game where there are rules in play, I am just clueless as to what they are.  As a comedian I come across a wide range of people from celebrities to ex-cons (sometimes a combination of the two =) so I make an effort to judge people based on who they are and not what they have or what they do.  I honestly feel at the end of  a long day, I don’t want to have a conversation with an expensive car or designer clothes.  I want to talk to a person who is honest, kind and makes me laugh. 

Recently I met someone who really intrigued me and that hasn’t happened in like… well forever.  So I was excited, we hung out and it was really just plain old fun.  The problem was he doesn’t live in Chicago AND he’s a comedian. Two HUGE problems. First, I’m not really trying to do the long distance thing and second, dating someone you work with is just not a good idea. (not to mention sometimes comics can be “cuckoo for coco puffs”). So I really had no expectations and was surprised we kept in touch.  Things seemed to be cool, I went on vacation and didn’t text him for a couple of days and he sends this text message “guess you found a new man – that’s cool”. At first I thought he had to be a joking right? Even still I assured him I was still interested.  He said he hadn’t heard from me so I really couldn’t be.  Uh, wow, ok….. Anyway that was last week, this week I called him (once) left a message, I sent a text no reply, so I sent another stating I guess he’s to busy to text these days.  I get a text message back saying he’s out of the country, relaxing, not sure when he’ll be back, and won’t be texting for a few days, cause he’s “writing in his head” . WTF??? YOU DON’T KNOW WHEN YOUR COMING BACK TO THE UNITED STATES???I mean one week I go from not contacting him enough to basically disturbing his oh so deep “within his head” writing process, with a simple “hello, how are you?” text message? Sorry my mistake, I was under the impression that he actually WANTED me to contact him, because (and this is the killer) he said he wanted me to contact him. As a comedian myself I respect the writing process but not the snippy text message.

Sooooo easy come easy go while this indeed caused me some irritation today so long, farewell, no hard feelings.  Getting a text or call from me going forward is the last thing he will ever need to worry about.  I’m just irritated that I actually was starting to like him, that I broke a few of my own rules to do it only to have it end with a don’t call me I’ll call u text…

Ok, guess the first rule of dating  is never break the rules you set yourself, you put them there for a damn good reason so stick with what you know.  Playing by imaginary rules that may even change week to week, well it just plain sucks.  Guess this wouldn’t be an adventure without a few pitfalls…

Speed Dating….maybe a bit to fast

I recently went to a speed dating event held in the South Loop, here in Chicago. My first, I was a speed dating virgin as they say. Everyone at the event was african-american, employed, and educated (I think) which was cool. All the women were seated and the men rotated which was also cool since I was wearing heels. I must mention here that most of the men were had to be under 5’9 since I seemed to tower over everyone. They coordinators started each “speed date” with an ice breaker question. The ice breaker questions usually sucked and just waisted time in my opinion. I mean if I don’t really care if a guy has an inny or outty.  Then you only had 90 seconds to date.  90 seconds to show the other person how great you are, it was interesting. How do you put your best foot forward in a minute and a half?  That is a skill for sure.  With 90 seconds what do you ask a guy? What do I really need to know?  What is funny is what guys feel the need to tell you in 90 seconds…If its that you smoke weed, you may be a little to ghetto for me.  So no love connection just yet.  I have a dating event coming up next week, this time I will have my 90 second commercial ready to rock and roll!!